


Sad On The Inside, Sad On The Outside

by Banana_Uyu



Category: TOMORROW X TOGETHER | TXT (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Choi Beomgyu-Centric, Fluff, Gen, How Do I Tag, Hurt/Comfort, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I Don't Even Know, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I kinda feel bad, Multi, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Self-Doubt, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, a lot of self, beomgyu best boi, beomgyu is hurting, bts is mentioned once, idk - Freeform, maybe twice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-01
Updated: 2020-11-07
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:08:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27319012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Banana_Uyu/pseuds/Banana_Uyu
Summary: Beomgyu doesn't want to feel like this, but he is too scared to ask for help. It isn't that big of a deal though...right?
Relationships: Choi Beomgyu & Everyone, Choi Beomgyu/Everyone
Comments: 8
Kudos: 93





	1. "I'm Likeable"

**Author's Note:**

> nope! im not dead. i have just been very busy with school and haven't been able to post, but im back now! i hope you all enjoy this. beomgyu has been looking a little upset in recent videos, i just hope he is okay :'( just a warning that this story will have references to suicide and their will be self harm. i put as many warnings as i could in the tags, but pleas tell me if i missed anything!
> 
> anyways, on with the story...  
> \--->let's go!

_ I'm okay. I'm normal. People like me. I'm likeable. Right? _

He knew. He knew that he was lying. He knew that he wasn't okay. He knew that actually, he wasn't liked. 

"Gyu! We have to go!" Soobin called out to the younger member. Beomgyu snapped out of his thoughts.

The members of TXT had dance practice today and while that was a good thing considering the normal load of work they got, Beomgyu couldn’t find it in himself to feel the same way as his members. The maknaes, mainly Hueningkai, had shown their gratitude for only having dance practice by showing off a little happy dance (“more of a happy scream if you ask me” Yeonjun had said).

Beomgyu trudged to the living room to meet the rest of his members. Taehyun was putting on his shoes, Soobin was in the middle of lecturing Kai about his loudness at this hour (“It’s still 6am on Saturday, Hyuka! You gotta keep it down!”). Yeonjun was already out the door waiting for his dongsaengs. Beomgyu joins the second youngest in slipping on his shoes.

“Do you all have everything?”

“Yes, mom.” Taehyun rolled his eyes.

“Ya! Mom or not I'm still older!” Soobin glared at the younger, the smug look stayed on the latter’s face.

“We can argue later. Let’s go before we’re late.”

They all follow Soobin as he leads the way to the van that their manager was waiting for them in. Once inside, Yeonjun and Taehyun were the first to knock out as soon as the van started moving. Next is Soobin, followed closely by Hyuka and all that was left was Beomgyu and his thoughts.

To be honest, he had been struggling. He had heard small comments come from the staff about how his dancing wasn’t as good as the others. He had seen the small comments that were made about him online;

_ “I thought he was meant to be the energetic one...” _

_ “Why is he there if he is going to be sad about it? Does he know how many people would kill to be in his position?” _

_ “He is so ungrateful.” _

It's true. They were all right, and that's what stung the most. He was meant to be the energizer, the battery for the group, the one to lift their spirits when they were down, but all he was doing was sulking.

__

_ Useless.  _ That seemed to be the only word his brain could supply to him at that moment. But he couldn’t even bother to correct it because there was nothing to correct. In his mind, his brain was right. The voices that surrounded his mind and were eating him up inside were not spewing a single lie.

  
And _that_ is what stung the most.

* * *

“Again!”

They had been at this for hours now. Beomgyu had decided to stop counting when he had made his 600th mistake (realistically, it might’ve only been his third, but for a perfection like Beomgyu? It might as well be his 600th). Blue Hour was meant to be a song that brought energy to those who listened to it, so why didn’t he feel energy?

The music started up again and they went back to their starting positions. Then it came. The part where they all had to gather around Yeonjun. Beomgu started to shift to his place, already knowing what was about to happen, but too late to stop it. He fell, colliding into Yeonjun. The two fell to the ground, the music stopped immediately and everyone watching the two boys get up.

“This is getting ridiculous! We’ve been stuck on this same part for hours! It isn’t that hard! You’re meant to be the dancer, so be the dancer!” Yeonjun was angry. His ears were red and he had his arms crossed over his chest. If this were a cartoon, smoke would’ve been coming out of his ears.

Beomgyu bowed his head. He blinked the tears brewing in his eyes. “I’m sorry, hyung. I’m trying.”

“Try harder!”

Yeonjun walked away. He passed the staff, ignoring the shouts from the other members and instructor. Beomgyu kept his head down, but he knew that he wouldn’t be able to hold back tears any longer. A hand made contact with his shoulder - probably Soobin's - and he flinched away, hard. Before he could register what he was doing, he ran. The members' cries for him to come back were ignored as his feet carried him away from the practice room.

* * *

He didn’t know how nor did he know why, but he had made it all the way back to the dorm. When inside, he made it to the bathroom, where he finally collapsed. Tears he had been holding back since his hyung had yelled at him came spilling out of his red, puffy eyes and rolled down his cheeks.

_ Useless. Useless. Useless! _

He tugged on hair, hoping the pain from the forceful tugs would help keep the voices at bay, but it only strengthened them. He then looked around and found a blade, hidden in the corner of the bathroom storage unit. He stared at it in his hands. Was he really going to go back? Go back to when he was at his lowest?

**_Yes. Yes he was._ **

The cold metal against his left arm helped him calm down a little. It pulled him from the voices that had been starting to take over him.

One cut for the mistakes he made. One cut for being a burden to the members. One cut for being unlikeable. One cut for making Yeonjun mad at him. One cut for being annoying.

It kept going. Until his entire arm was covered in cuts. He carefully cleaned them and bandaged them up. He changed and shoved on a jumper to hide his arm. He flopped onto his bed, covering himself. The voices were quieter now; their hunger had been satisfied by the blade.

Beomgyu cried himself to sleep that night. He wouldn't have to worry about others seeing him as he had his own room. He didn’t hear the others come back or hear Kai come in with a note. All he could hear was the negativity and the darkness that was slowly consuming him.


	2. "I'm Okay"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> beomgyu hides even more, but it's starting to become unhealthy.

Darkness consumes him. His members are gone; tired of him being weak. They didn’t want anything to do with him, he was a burden. He was running. From the darkness. From his life. From the disappointment that was surrounding him. He just wanted it to end, but he wasn’t fast enough. The darkness caught up at took him awa-

“-gyu! Beomgyu hyung! Wake up please!”

Beomgyu eyes shot open. He looks around, trying to recover from what he thought was his death. He looked down at his hands.

“Hyung, I was so worried. You were crying and I didn’t know what to do.” Sitting in front of him, rambling on, was Hueningkai. His bunny plush pressed against his chest. The younger’s eyes were coated in concern for his hyung.

Beomgyu and Kai had always been the closest when it came to having fun. They both possessed the same energy and would always jump around and scream and have fun. Although, Beomgyu had noticed how Kai seemed a little more reserved and he hadn’t been as loud and energetic as he once was. Beomgyu had assumed it was just the maknae becoming mature.

“I’m fine, Hyuka. It was just a dream. Go back to sleep.” Beomgyu went to lay on his back again, but he paused. He shifted himself against the wall and lifted his cover, beckoning Kai to join him. The younger complied instantaneously, jumping into the warmth that Beomgyu’s bed had created.

“I’m sorry for worrying you,” Beomgyu whispered after a few silent moments. He could feel Kai snuggle further into the older’s chest. “It’s okay. As long as you're okay. I’m okay if you are okay!” Even though the maknae’s body was turned away from the older, he knew that the former was smiling. That brought a smile to the older.

The maknae was wrong; he, in fact, was not okay, but right now, at this moment, he really was. He was finally okay. The voices couldn’t get him, the darkness was gone. For now. He knew it would come back, but he wasn’t about to ruin this moment.

* * *

A small section behind his eyes was pounding. He sat up, digging his palm into his red eyes. Next to him, Kai stirred, whining at the loss of warmth coming from Beomgyu, but slowly falling back into a deep sleep again. Beomgyu smiled at his sleeping dongsaeng, he was so small, bundled in the covers. He looked over at the digital clock on his bedside table. 06.00.

Beomgyu got out of bed, he needed to shower; he felt sticky and his head was still pounding. His eyes were going in and out of focus. Why was his life like this? Was this punishment for his past life?

The hot water hit his skin. It burned, but Beomgyu couldn’t bring himself to care. The voices consumed him again, repeating the same mantra from yesterday:

_ Useless. Useless. Useless! _

* * *

Beomgyu stepped out of the shower. His skin was red from the burning of the water, but again, he didn’t care. There was a knock at the door. “Hyung! Hyuka told me that you’re in here.” Taehyun. Beomgyu really wanted to talk to his friend. Taehyun was one of his closest members. Unlike Kai, Beomgyu was able to have more advanced conversations with the younger. It was a wonder how the boy was able to be so wise at only 18 years old, but Beomgyu never questioned it.

He couldn’t talk to him though. He couldn’t confide in him because then the voices in his head would be right. He would be weak and useless, needing one of his  _ dongsaengs _ to comfort him - that would be embarrassing.

There was another knock at the door again, harder this time. It snapped him out of his thoughts. “Hyung, I know you’re in there.” Beomgyu sighed. He pulled on the jumper and sweatpants that he had brought with him and opened the door to be met with a slightly annoyed Taehyun standing there.

“What took you so long?” Beomgyu shrugged and walked back to his room. Kai was now gone; the covers all over the room showed that pretty well. Beomgyu laid his bed and made sure that everything was in its usual place. He then left to grab something - a protein bar - to eat before Soobin scolded him for missing a meal. Again. That didn’t necessarily mean he was going to eat it.

Yeonjun looked at the younger when he entered the living room. He shifted from his position on the couch to swing his legs onto said furniture, ignoring the brown haired boy and going back to scrolling on his phone. Beomgyu knew that Yeonjun would still be bitter, but he didn’t think that he would go this far.

From his place in the hallway, Soobin scoffed. Beomgyu turned to see the leader. His arms crossed over his chest and his wet hair stuck to his forehead (presumably because he had just come out from his shower).

“Would you just grow up?” It was directed at Yeonjun, but that knowledge didn’t stop Beomgyu from flinching at the tone of his hyung’s voice. “You’re the oldest here, but you could’ve fooled me because you’re acting like a child.”

Yeonjun looks up from his phone. Soobin narrows his eyes, Yeonjun rolls his and Beomgyu is stuck between them. Beomgyu’s voices, that had been quiet up until now, decided to come back with a vengeance:

_ Look what you've gone and done. You just cause problems for them. _

_ They would do better without you. _

_ You’re nothing but a burden. _

Beomgyu slowly backs away from the staring match. Before he could stop himself, he ran, grabbing his jacket from the hook and slipping on the nearest shoes to him - his white slippers - opening the door and running out. He didn’t want to be the reason that Soobin and Yeonjun didn't get along. They were the oldest; they were the ones that leaned on each other while the maknaes leaned on them.

But, stupidly, Beomgyu had ruined that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i added a little bit of Beomkai fluff because i love a bit of beomkai and there isn't enough on ao3 ;)
> 
> i hope you enjoyed. please leave kudos if you did and comment any feedback you have for me!


	3. "I'm Normal"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> beomgyu finds himself with an old friend.

Beomgyu was used to running. He did it all the time.

_ He had just come back from school. It had been a long day; he had failed his biology test and knew that his father would not be happy with him. _

_ “Beomgyu!” His father called from the kitchen. Beomgyu hurriedly went to the kitchen, not wanting to annoy his father anymore than he had to. _

_ “What did you get on your biology test, son? And don’t even try lying to me.” Beomgyu hung his head. “I failed the test.” He mumbled it, but his father heard. The older man stepped closer, raising his hand. Beomgyu braced for impact. _

_ The slap came, echoing through the house. Beomgyu’s cheek stung and he knew that it would definitely leave a mark. He tried his hardest to keep his tears at bay, but couldn’t stop the few stubborn tears that escaped. _

_ “Get out of my sight.” Beomgyu wasted no time in leaving. He was halfway up the stairs when he heard it. “He is such a failure.” _

That was when he started running.

* * *

Beomgyu looked up at the sign shining above him. BerryCherry was his favourite hangout spot. He had used to come here the time when he was a trainee because it was right on the way back from school.

The shop was small and sweet. The smell of cinnamon surrounded Beomgyu as he entered, the small bell attached to the door ringing to alert anyone inside of his presence.

“Is that Choi Beomgyu?!” Beomgyu turns his head to see the shop owner he had made friends with only two years ago behind the counter, waving happily. “Mr. Shin! It’s so nice to see you.” He walks towards the man, a smile tugging at his features.

Beomgyu pulls out a stool and places himself in front of the counter. By the time he is settled, a steaming cup of hot chocolate is placed in front of him. He gives his thanks and takes a slow long sip.“It’s been so long, son. How have you been?” Beomgyu’s momentarily wonders back to the incident from only fifteen minutes ago.

“I’ve been fine, you?” A little white lie won’t hurt.

“I’ve missed my favourite customer, but what brings you here. Is it a holiday?” Beomgyu chuckles lightly. Mr. Shin always knew how to make him smile. “No, but I might’ve ditched my members...” He bit his lip, a habit he had when he had been caught red-handed.

“Ah well, I would send you back, but that would make me a horrible host.” Mr. Shin chuckles. “Would you like to talk about it?”

Beomgyu contemplates the offer. Did he want to? He trusted Mr. Shin with his life, but wouldn’t telling him be a sign to the voices that what they were saying was true? Wouldn’t that make him pathetic?

Mr. Shin is patient in waiting for the younger to collect his thoughts. After a much needed battle with himself, Beomgyu sighs. He takes a deep breath and opens his mouth to start talking. “I- Uh. I just- Am I normal?” Beomgyu doesn’t wait for the reply.

“I’m normal, right?! Because normal people don’t have voices tormenting them, normal people don’t hate themselves so much that they feel the urge to jump anytime they have the opportunity. Right?!”

Mr. Shin can only smile as the brown haired boy rants. A few tears slip from his eyes, but he wipes them away before they can be commented on. When he finishes, he takes another long sip of his hot chocolate, almost finishing it. He looks shyly at the shop owner’s face. “I’m pathetic. Aren’t I?” His eyes fall to his fingers.

Mr. Shim looks at the boy with concern, but also sympathy. He understands. “Beomgyu. Tiger, I need you to look at me.” Beomgyu slowly and reluctantly lifts his line of sight, his eyes puffy from the small amount of crying he had done.

“I get it.” He lifts his hand before Beomgyu can interject. “I know what you want to say, but I actually do. You’re hurt. You’re also a perfectionist. Don’t thinkI don’t know. I know that you want everything to be perfect, but that isn’t how the world works unfortunately. You’re a strong boy, but you are a boy and sometimes you can’t be as perfect as you want to be. Talk to your members, I’m sure they can help. I’m sure they  _ want _ to help.”

As if on cue, Beomgyu’s phone rings. He fishes said object out of his pocket. It’s Kai. Sweet, innocent Kai, who always wants his members to be happy. Even if he isn’t.

Beomgyu looks up and Mr. hin nods. Beomgyu answers just before the call cuts off.

“Beomgyu hyung! Oh my god! You’re okay. Oh my god!” Beomgyu has a hard time stopping himself from smiling. “Kai, calm down. Breathe. I’m fine. I just went to see an old friend. I'm coming soon, okay?” Kai hums in acknowledgement.

Beomgyu hangs up, quickly standing. He lets go of the breath he was holding. His new found comfort has made him completely forget about the mug of unfinished hot chocolate.”See?” Beomgyu smiles, his face scrunching up. “Thank you Mr. Shim.” He chuckles and comes around the counter to engulf the younger in a hug.

“Never change, son. Please.”

Beomgyu smiles, pulling away from the hug slightly. “I promise I won’t.” They let go of each other, albeit reluctantly. “Now go. You have very worried members waiting for you right now.” They share a grin and Beomgyu finally gets up. He waves goodbye and leaves the store feeling happier than he has felt in months.

He felt lighter. He knew he was going to get scolded when he got back, but that was a small price to pay for finding some of his happiness again. His voices would come back, but he was more than happy to snuff them out when he came to that bridge.

For now, he would get scolded and smile again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the story is almost finished. already! this was really fun to write and i already have another story in the works. stay tuned ;)


	4. "I'm With You"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> beomgyu has his members and that's all he really needs.

The smile wasn’t wiped off of Beomgyu’s face when he saw the stern, but worried faces of his members and manager, it didn’t leave when he got scolded for disappearing, and it still didn’t leave when he explained what he had been feeling the past few weeks.

In fact, it became even larger when he reassured them all that it wasn’t their fault for how he felt. All he could do was smile. And it felt good; to smile after being miserable for so long. His cheeks will hurt so much tomorrow, but he didn’t care because he had his members. His family.

* * *

“I’m really sorry, Beomgyu! You don’t understand how much I want to punch myself right now.” Beomgyu chuckled. Yeonjun had been apologizing for his actions since the last Choi had explained what was going on with him. Beomgyu could only smile; at least he was talking to him now.

“Hyung!” Beomgyu whines. “I already forgave you. Please can we watch Cinderella in piece!” Yeonjun stayed quiet after that.

They enjoyed the movie, laughing and joking with each other. Beomgyu’s eyelids were starting to get heavy and soon he was asleep. The members only noticed once the movie had ended. Soobin switched off the TV, while Taehyun and Kai went to get blankets and pillows. Yeonjun helped his second oldest dongsaeng up so that he was more comfortable.

“Hyung?”

Yeonjun stopped moving, giving his full attention to the younger. “Yes, Beom?”

“Thank you.”

Yeonjun only smiled.

* * *

All the members had fallen asleep once they had all gotten comfortable in the cuddle pile. All that was left was Taehyun and Beomgyu. Their eyes meet and Beomgyu is about to say something when Taehyun interjects.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“What?”

“We always talk about what’s bothering us and I always come to you when I need help...” Beomgyu sighed. He knew that Taehyun would ask him this. “It’s just- I- Do you not trust me?”

Beomgyu looked at the blonde in shock. “What?! Of course I trust you!” It was a shout, but it wasn’t loud enough to wake up the members.

“I- Well- It was the voices.” Taehyun stayed quiet to let him continue. “They said that I was pathetic and that I leaned on you guys too much so I didn’t tell you because I wanted to prove them wrong.”

Taehyun just chuckled and reached his arm out to stroke a hand through the older’s hair. “You really are an idiot.”

“Yah!” Kai stirred in his sleep and Beomgyu lowered his voice. “That’s rude.”

“But you’re our idiot so it’s okay.” Taehyun smiled and again, like he had been for most of the day, Beomgyu smiled back too.

“I love you, hyung.”

“Love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that is the end of this fanfic. i will be posting a new one soon. it's already in the process of being written. kudos are appreciated. i hope you guys enjoys this

**Author's Note:**

> i will try to update as much as a possibly can! hope this chapter was good! please leave feedback or any suggestions to add to the story. if you like it it please leave kudos! love you <3


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